My name is Leo.
I am cut from a different cloth. I walk to the beat of a different drummer. My closest friends will tell you how different I am because I can’t always hide my slightly askew way of thinking. My way of seeing the world a little differently. And what I have to do to function with seemingly easy areas of life. Others might have a clue or feel a little uneasy with me but I don’t think most realize how I try to appear normal. My weird sense of humor helps me fit in but it seems like I always hold my breath waiting for the other foot to fall, where the whispers and the looks begin, cause it seems to happens so much when a person/group gets closer.
I don’t know if I have Asperger Syndrome. I’ve not been diagnosed and I rarely see doctors for any reason, due to financial constraints, mistrust in doctors, and colloidal silver but I do know that I am different. I am unable to access a genetic connection from my father (lost contact at age 6) since it seems to follow a paternal pattern but I do believe that my son, Alec, has similar problems. Unfortunately, I was unaware till years later that FAS may be a part thus making it hard to determine if he has Asperger Syndrome in a clinical diagnoses. But it was when Alec was in kindergarten that I began to find out about this condition. I could see he was having subtle problems before that but Mother and Grandmother said they didn’t see anything wrong. When I was younger I had problems with social skills that I think was more than just a normal learning curve.
According to “Asperger's Syndrome Characteristics” by Roger Meyer the thing that distinguishes the difference between normal and those with Asperger Syndrome is the consistency of appearance, their intensity, and the sheer number. And they say those with Asperger Syndrome are like snow flakes. No two are alike.
I’ve had a friend or two suggest that
maybe I’m just thinking the symptoms in existence like a hypochondriac
because to them I seem pretty normal. One reason for this, I believe, is because
they see me as I am now. But I’ve had these kind of incidents all through
my life and have learned. They have not seen what I had to go through just
to get here. How many rocks I had to find a way around when everyone else
acts like there are no rocks.
I’ve seen how “Theory of Mind” effects me and my son at age 12. Even though they say most learn this by age 4 or 5 I have had to lead a different style of life that would’ve been much better with a support system and understanding. But that was before it was even known about ….
They say those with Asperger’s can be creative and that many famous people like Leonardo Di Vinci and Elvis are thought to have had the condition. BBC did a report of the contributions those with or suspected of having AS have given. I strongly suspect that writer Bill Watterson, creator of Calvin and Hobbes, may have the conditon as well if you look at a few facts. Tim Page in his book "Parallel Play" references how he had difficulty concentrating in class cause his mind would always wander. And Calvin was a kid who dreamt of dinosaurs and spaceships to be rudly awakened out of this world by his teacher. Calvin was very familiar with the principles office. He also had a stuffed tiger, Hobbes,that he believed was real and needed cans of tuna opened for him. All of these are classical traits of AS. Bills bio in Wikipedia also shows that he was a loner as a child, is a recluse today, and had major problems with authority (comic syndication/licensing). And as a result retired from the industry entirely. While in college he also painted Michelangelo's Creation of Adam on the ceiling just for fun. And last but not least Bill shows he will not sell out Calvin and Hobbes to marketing. He fought the publishers and turned down the money because he felt it would cheapen his work.
If I could only remember half of the ideas,
games, and creations I’ve extrapolated
on from time to time. When people see the level of detail I’ve taken
it to I hear “Where do you find the time for all this” or “You
have too much time on your hands”. And as for my poems…
I can only say I know it helps me remember the things I don’t want to
I recall a time when I found I was able to focus my thoughts into little paragraphs with a simple typewriter. (I find that even turning on a computer could distract me long enough to forget what I was thinking about a lot of the time). And a floodgate was opened. I found myself up til 5 in the morning after trying to go to bed around 11 because I couldn’t stop it from coming out. And I was afraid I would forget it, as it seems I have more than just a tendency to forget. I gave it to a lady to transcribe on to a disk for future computer use. This was a client who came to see me for a treatment. We were to trade for the work and she was to receive therapeutic massage in barter. But a third of the way through she quit and gave back my work. She said she couldn’t do it anymore. She said it was too much for her. I’ve been afraid to show others that bit of work since then.
I remember the frustration as everyone grew up and started dating and I couldn’t seem to understand how everything was supposed to work. I mentioned once, long ago, of feeling like the fish that has the two eyes on one side. Everyone else swam all together, one way. While I seemed to seem another way.
And the most frustrating was I couldn’t seem to learn this area as my attempts kept making me feel like a fool. I felt blind. It was, and still is, that a woman has to give more than the usual clues before I pick up on any intentions. Another reason is that I would misread another intentions and think someone liked me when it turned out I was wrong. It seems I also hurt people with my blindness sometimes and that’s the thing that bothers the most.
I want to share my experiences as they seem to pertain to certain characteristics that I know we all have in one degree or another but I know I have always felt like the rest of the world was different than me.
Here is a list of charteristics by Roger Myer. As you look at each list you will find links to more personal accounts.
Anyway, maybe in the end, we will find out the truth.
I either have Asperger Syndrome or I am an Alien. Lost on Planet Earth.
My Name is Leo...