Leo Atreides - Asperger Syndrome?/ as for the rest...

Here is a list of charteristics by Roger Myer. As you look at each list you will find links to more personal accounts.

As for the rest….

I realized when I was about 10 that I really didn’t have friends like other kids. And it could be due to a varity of other factors but when you have a birthday party and not one kid from school comes to the party you find it leaves a lasting impression that you try to learn from.

I made two shirts for myself before I ever even heard of Aspergers. I always said that it helps explain me without having to open my mouth. And it was good fun as it makes people laugh. So “Tactfully Challenged” and “Socially Clueless” were born. And like the numerous other shirt ideas I have they are all meant in good fun but some have a serious vein of truth to them. Like the clueless shirt shows a space around the middle “e” in clueless in reference to how the isolation feels.

I don’t have the life a lot of people seem to imagine after they've shared what they believe. I have found this from friends time and again. They imagine I keep going on with the extroverted friendly persona and that I have countless friends over or they have me over. And it’s not even close. I find that my cave is a necessity. A place to take the mask off. A place to just be. Not too many people see that side.

I can’t seem to understand what happens behind the curtains, so to speak, but I found that the psychology books helped a little. I became a character on stage and in life. And then came the day where I couldn’t tell who was who. Where one left and the other began. But even though I excelled at finding answers for some areas I found I could still hardly see behind the scenes to learn how to make certain things work. The funny part is I can burn through other areas of learning like a magnifying glass but there seems to be a continual mist or haze that permeates the air around certain places.

Do I Bother You ??

The "behind the curtains" metaphor also explains why I can't tell if I'm bothering someone or if people are giving me non-verbal cues that most others can read. This is why I can't play games. Why I can't tell if someone likes me or just pretends to like me. It's why I can't tell a fake smile from a real one. It's why I try to not bother people cause I can't tell who just puts up with me and who likes to have me around. I've made too many mistakes in this area and I don't believe I will ever feel truly comfortable whether it be a relationship with a woman or even just a friendship with another guy.

Bullies

I’m just speculating but I think that you will find that with most Asperger's cases they tend to have a heart for the underdog. This may be from the tendancy to being prime targets for bullies and the like. One survey/report of women with As children found that 94% were bullied/victimized. We are like a magnet because they pick up the differences and hone in. It’s like you’re even a target of a wanna-be-bully. I remember the day I finally got the wrong approach as a wanna be came up and I had already had a pretty bad day with everything in general. Anyway this kid comes up and starts messing with me. And I was tired, I knew there was no leaving, so I just looked him in the eye and said “Alright, Let’s do it.” There was no anger, nor fear. There was just a seriousness to me. And I remember I kept looking him in the eye. He must have seen something in mine because he seemed to realize that this may not be as easy as he thought. It was after that the list of bullies got shorter and shorter.

Fake it til you make it

I believe it may have been drama class in high school as my most beneficial part in my ability to exaggerate my emotions and thus in a sense bringing them up to the level of others normally. And not only was the teacher, Mr Claypool, a true teacher of knowledge as he had a wealth of information on everything under the sun. All you had to do was ask. But he was also a teacher of how to remove the robes and to no longer judge. It was his help without direction that seems to stand out the most. Allowing each of us to be who we wanted to be.

My Son

When my son started school I had already had my concerns about his problems dismissed by Mom and GrandMother. But after the first month I asked the teacher if I could come in to talk with her. And she said she had also been wanting to talk to us about Alec. She told us that he would parallel play where he would stand next to a child or children but would not play with them. Instead he would play with his own things next to them. She even talked about how he would share everything in a certain play area in his attempts to socialize. That even if he was the first one in the area that he would share toys with whoever came up until he would be left with nothing. Then he would just watch from the side.

He would also have problems with Theory of Mind as me and his sister (Kendra)found out one time when we conducted the experiment where Kendra left the room and Alec could not accurately predict where Kendra would go to get the hidden and moved ball. This was done around age 8-9 but they show most kids learn this by age 4-5.

I have hard time talking with him without asking too much and having him shut down. I seem to work better with a buffer( another person.... my daughter, my friend, etc) because we keep it on a fun and lively level. With jokes and smiles and the sun still shining...

From another world

I recall always having a hard time understanding people. And people understanding me. Then I found the movie that gave me a glimpse.

The movie was “Starman” and for me it was like I discovered another who was like me. I saw a character that made people tilt their head to the side as they noticed something was slightly amiss. It was how he saw the world differently then others around him. He felt the pain of those around him. Even of animals. And he tried to help even if he didn't know how. He tried to learn and understand but sometimes he learned the wrong answer. He learned the hard way that he couldn’t trust everyone and that the world wasn’t always nice. In ways he was wise but in other ways he was as naïve as a child. Then he found a friend in the woman who feared him at first. Then he showed her how he feels when he says “ I mean you no harm, Jenny Hayden” After that we see her begin to realize that he was so different from what we expect Aliens to act like.

It’s why I say I’m an Alien.

Today…

One of the best things I can say is that I continue to keep learning. Every little tid bit of information given to me about social actions and reactions is digested and tested for accuracy. And it’s not that I don’t trust but that I know we all have perceptions that are slightly askew. But a I realize there will always be parts where the mist still hangs. And there will be the places I circle over time. Like the shirt idea "Live,Learn,Forget...,Learn Again"

So I will apologize if I don't recognize you. And if I mention something to you again and again and again it's okay to tell me that you heard it already.

To my friends, I want to say thanks for the understanding, the times we had, and the friendships. They mean a lot to me.

And to those that came across this by looking up Asperger Syndrome I want to say Thank You for your interest in trying to understand someone different.

Sincerely,
Leo Atreides

Look for the video - "Autism, the musical"